“Let’s Call Him X Æ A-12″: The Rise of Ridiculous Baby Names 

“Welcome to Year 3, Class of 2035! Let’s begin with a roll call. Is Equestrian Raindrop Smith here? Perfect. Molasses Penny-Drop? Moonbeam Lollipop?”. This may seem far-fetched now, but at this rate, every baby born in the next decade will be named a conglomeration of random nouns that sound like verbal chaos. If I were a teacher in 10 years’ time, I think a roll call would send me into a full-blown panic attack. Let’s be honest, there’s a fine line between a creative baby name and an absurd identity label that sounds like a shopping list.  

Celebrity baby names have become progressively more outlandish, almost like a competition of who can fit the most foods, objects, or colours into their poor new-born baby’s forever-alias. My first recollection of these unique names was back in 2013, when Kim Kardashian named her first born daughter, North-West. We all expected her to finish off the compass and name her next three East, South, and West, but Kim decided to go for a slightly different route. Her following 3 babies would be called Saint, Chicago, and Psalm. I thought we had reached peak absurdity, but I had no idea what a hell-storm of Scrabble-board names were coming.  

Hollywood continues to shock us with their nonsensical names, like Nic Cannon’s 8th child (I won’t even bother getting into his other dozen kids’ names), called Legendary Love Cannon. Although some might call it poetic, one Reddit user exclaimed that ‘Legendary Love Cannon’ is “just a stripper name waiting to happen”, followed by another response, “Or a sex toy”. Perhaps Nic should take a bit more time when drawing random words out of a hat and calling it a day.

Now, we can’t discuss crazy baby names without mentioning Elon Musk’s Wi-Fi-Password – whoops, I mean beautiful baby boy. Musk and Grimes decided that it would be a great idea to call their beloved newborn a name synonymous with a lap-top serial number, ‘X Æ A-12’. I am genuinely convinced that XYZ’s parents hate him, because that name is the epitome of ‘parental trolling’. Seriously though, when did naming your child James or Elizabeth become a crime?

Popular Tik-Tok comedian, Italian Bach, showed his disdain for these bizarre names in his 11 million-view, viral skit, where he roleplayed as a pregnant influencer. Italian Bach uses hilariously stupid name ideas like ‘Placenta Thundercloud’ or ‘Sage Nipple’, to poke fun at today’s influencer’s desperate attempts at unique creativity.

Look, I’m not saying don’t get creative, but perhaps just take a moment or two before committing to naming your child Esophagus Pomegranate-Warrior. Someday, they will have to sign that jumbled assortment of syllables on wedding papers or introduce themselves at a conference. Let’s save the future therapy bills and stop trolling our newborns.